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[Apr. 15th, 2005|02:45 pm] |
319
So many confusing thoughts they drive me insane.
What would it take to just think possitivly for a day without having to hold you in my arms to know its ok?
Why no matter how strongly i can feel someone i still worry if itll be ok.. it just drives me insane how much i love and it taunts me untill i can have my way....
What woud become of me and what would i do... if everything i thought was true.. never came true.
Well i guess all i can do is try to think for the best and hope for a future i see when im in there arms every night and i feel so attached and i keep falling deeper into this feeling some people call love and it feels so strange how wonderful it feels to be loved and feel this love for someone else....
What has been going on for the couple days i havent written in here is that i have played ddr.. sat around thinking and worked with school... school is almost over and is getting worse then when it started. i wish for things to get simpler yet with how things are now i dont think that will ever be possible.
What steps i take next in my life are
Take a break for myself and try to relax and keep my stress down.
Take care of my body a bit more than i use to.
Get school work better handled.
Show the person i love how much i love them.
Get a job.
And make sure i can see the person i love soon because i miss him greatly...
when to start
i guess today will work fine..
have a good day all |
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[Apr. 13th, 2005|03:06 pm] |
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| |  crazy | ] |
Another day to post more things about.
First off in my day i got to talk to someone importaint to me this morning and im very glad his life is getting back on track. It makes me happy seeing him better then that one night, i want to never have him feel like that again when im away and cant help fix it.
The soon after that time i went to school and praticipated in the schools Day Of Silence. This day was to not speak out for gays it was to stay silent for them. The fact is that so many gays bis and lesbians and whoever is outcasted must stay so silent in how they are. People out cast them for there beliefes and they never have a chance to speak for themselfs. So to take an impact we stopped are words to show how silence inpacts our lifes and the lifes of others. Many people praticipated some for just jokes. Some to just get out of talking in class. But the student who did actually do it for a reason there greatly apriciated for showing they care.
hmm next in my day i was buying my prom ticket. 50 dollars for a little purpl shiny paper alot of people say its worth it i guess ill find out for myself. ummmmm well while i was in line waiting for the ticket i ran into my friend christan. Me and her became friends bcs she started dating a good friend of mine named nick. Hes a very wonderful person and he is ussually very happy and i never really expected him to be the one to do that, but thos are always the people u dont expect. I hope he gets better.
Next was disecting sharks. We had suspision to the fact that ours could have been pregnant yet we wouldnt have fully known untill we cut her open and saw within the uterus. and indeed hidden within the stretched out walls were 4 little baby sharks. I took them and gave them away for people to put into jars. Theres something intresting about cutting and animal up and seeing whats inside... might sound sick yet i find it to be intesting.
And how my day is now. still early yet it seems like my day is almost over. I sit here and talk to the person i love and i type away at this entry.. but thats all thats happened today so i must be off.. have a good day |
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[Apr. 12th, 2005|05:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
hmmm whats going on with me is what i should post in here...
what is going on with me. inside im not sure. Theres a hard path standing here and i want to skip along it and grab onto the prize ive gotten to see. Its like a tease and how long shall i have to wait.. its driving me insane. Physically im not doing to well. sickness is a number one flaw i have. as for now the pain subsides with the help of medicine and lots of water. yet the feeling always returns soon after. is all this a cause of the emotional fight i fight to be with love?
What type of game does life feel ot needs to play untill your happy?
questions i have
Why must you suffer before life lets u live happily?
Why dose it hurt so much to say bye?
why dose distance have to be like it is?
Why can i not teloport to be next to him and back here quickly?
why do things get harder to try to test our love?
and why wont it give up because it already lost?
It already lost because nothing will stop me loving him, hes my heart and soul. I can not give myself to someone else. U get the chance once to give urself to someone and after that ur never the same i held on till now. Now i let someone past all my guard and i let them into my soul. I let them inth the very center of my being and if they hurt me theyll hurt me deeper than ne one else can possibly. A broken heart can kill. I dont want to loose. I have won so far in my fight. Ive been able to hold him for a day then 2 days in a row. I will fight to make sure he always sees my love and hopefully hell never see a reason to look somewhere else. Ive always been scared of things like this....
But when u sit down with someone in a way ull spend ur life with them and u love it more than ne thing in the world... theres nothing else u want then to be comited to them. so am i scared ? no..
am i happy i found love ? yes
will i try to always prove it isnt a mistake ? yes
and will i hope it last forever.? always
Love only happens once, False love happens a few times. Yet this is real, i want nothing else
and an Edit to the above:::
I went to the doctors today because i became seriously worse where i worried. Half of the problem is stress supposidly. He did a blood check on my stomach and it came back that there is some bleeding comming from inside hitting at the pain. The acid in my stomach is at a high for some reason or another such as aggitation possibly and it is irritating the linning of my stomach and eating at the holes a little bit more. Thats whats been causing the sharp burning pains. He wants to do other testing yet i denied. If things come about where it gets harder than it is now i guess i will go.. but for now im a tough one so i can try to fight it myself. He recemended i tried not to eat to uch or strange things because they might upset the balance in my stomach.. thats hard for me to do yet ill try.. if the throwing up persists i have to go again... The blood that came out of my stomach was a dark red which he said wasnt good so i was like woo hoo oh yay what wonderfull news.. thats why i hate going to doctors. he gave me some weird meds that should lower the acid and help if it dosent i have to go see him again bcs it might be more sever then he initialy thought.. if i go back i have to have a camera put down my throat which will have me in the hospital for a day >.< i dont wanna do that so i really hope i dont have to..
Another question.. why is health never on my side? |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2005|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
theres a muffin in the toaster and it smiles today woo hoo!!!!!!
*spins in circles*
i got attacked by a spider today he didnt like me *sniffles* |
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